Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Heartsick and headsore.

Do you ever get heartsick? I'm talking, honest-to-goodness aching pain in your chest kind of heartsick. The kind that makes you feel like there's a hole in there somewhere, the exact place that a hole is not supposed to be.
I don't like to moan about love. Really, I don't. I strive to live by the theory that I am: 1) not in control and 2) perfect without a boyfriend/spouse/thing. I have been, the past, oh, six months or so, been doing an excellent job. I am surrounded by amazing friends, I stay way too busy, and I love my family. The last six weeks, however, have been a completely different story.
It is an exaggeration to say that "Everyone else is happy!" The truth of the matter is that, no, everyone is not happy all the time. But, regardless of this truth, sometimes it can't help but seem that way. Even if they are single, then they are single and happy and not single and holey, which is my current state.
I'm not even 100% sure what my real problem is, but I think that part of it centers around this fact: I want to be young when I have children. Right now, I am 20 years old and while I know I'm not ready to have them RIGHT NOW, within the next five years or so would be nice. However, it stands to reason that having children is hard when you're alone and then when you aren't alone, there's the small matter of a ring before the actual trying can begin.
Part of it also has to do with the fact that I've never been that girl that guys date. I have had two boyfriends, and been seriously in love once. I have also attended all major dances and functions alone (even when I've done the asking) and never been asked out on a date. I don't think I'm asking for a husband RIGHT NOW, but having someone would be nice. Scratch that - having someone would be amazing.
I don't want to sound like a whining six-year-old. Some days it just hurts.